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| Marcel Strigberger |
1. The monarchy
We still have a king. Just look at any criminal reported case and you will see a designation such as Rex v. Jones or Rex v. Brown, etc. etc. And the prosecutors of course are called “Crowns.” No doubt His Majesty enjoys the royal tradition of being at the forefront of the criminal justice system, a task he is unlikely to relinquish. Most likely President Trump would compromise somewhat on the designation, but I doubt Charles III would agree to it becoming “Rex Donald.”
2. Sacred cows
We have a number of guaranteed rights entrenched in our constitution. I have not read the BNA Act since law school. But I am certain I recall seeing a provision which prohibits merging with any nation which does not have in their alphabet a zed.
3. Other animals
Other than cows, what about the rights of some of our other iconic symbols? Before any amalgamation would take place there would likely be a plebiscite. And given the increasing influence of animal rights groups, there would no doubt be demands to allow the vote to include our beavers. And our moose. (Or is it mooses? Or more than one moose? I doubt the Americans have the answer.) As well, they may intervene unlawfully in our plebiscite by sneaking into our polling stations and releasing clusters of bald eagles.
4. Capital punishment
This concerns me. I would hate to see a resurrection of the death penalty in Canada. Maybe there is a compromise solution. Virtual execution. The judge pronounces the death penalty, but the defendant is not actually executed. He is deemed dead only in law. He would not be eligible to receive Employment Insurance, Canada Pension or a driver’s licence. Regarding the latter restriction, modifications might have to be made for Montreal criminals as most drivers generally operate their vehicles as if they never passed a driving test.
5. Quebec otherwise
As Tevye of Fiddler on the Roof fame might say, on the other hand, there is no otherwise. The people of Quebec would never go for the merger. Why should they share their greatest natural resource, maple syrup? I would have no problem if they would send the Americans all their poutine. Or their Montreal drivers.
6. Language rights
And speaking of Quebec, for over 150 years Canadians have had the inalienable right to a trial in English or French. I don’t think most of us would care to mess around with this guarantee and include the right to a trial in New Jerseyish. Yeah right. We would have a problem with dat.
7. Police forces
We are happy, thank you very much, with our world-famous RCMP. As they say, “We always get our whatever.” I imagine if we did merge with the United States there would likely be friction between the FBI and the Mounties. This sort of gets me back to animal rights. It would not be too long before the president would favour the FBI and fire all those horses. Shame.
We would also have a problem with the American spellings. We love our extra u’s. It gives our language a nicer flavour, or should I say, a more colourful flavour.
No sir. We’ll resist joining your nation with all vigour. But we can still be friends, neighbour.
Marcel Strigberger retired from his Greater Toronto Area litigation practice and continues the more serious business of humorous author and speaker. His book, Boomers, Zoomers, and Other Oomers: A Boomer-biased Irreverent Perspective on Aging, is available on Amazon (e-book) and in paper version. His new(!) book First, Let’s Kill the Lawyer Jokes: An Attorney’s Irreverent Serious Look at the Legal Universe, is available on Amazon, Apple and other book places. Visit www.marcelshumour.com. Follow him on X: @MarcelsHumour.
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